the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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