In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
