I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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