why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
