I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
