Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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