toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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