The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
