the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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