dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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