I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
