I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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