I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
cat food counts as protein by the way
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
