Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize