Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
