Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
