im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't turn off my feet"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
