it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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