We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
