I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
