Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize