Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
