Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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