The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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