Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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