you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
