I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can text with my tongue
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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