My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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