You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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