you guys were way drunker than both of me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
