neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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