i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
