apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
