My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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