nut hugger
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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