I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
