Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
