I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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