And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
