my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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