Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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