You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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