I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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