Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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