if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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