I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
