i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
