goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am available for nakedness
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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