I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
