Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
