My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
