I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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