I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
