Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
