Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize