A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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