why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
