you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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