she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
