you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
