now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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