God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
